Lazy Saturday

This week was really good, but I was completely exhausted by the end of it. I am sure the stress and just getting back to work had a lot to do with it, but today Clancy let us sleep until 8:00!  Around this house, that is LATE! It was awesome! I haven't even gotten out of my PJ's yet and it is 5:20 so chances are I won't! We have spent some time outside as it is a lovely day with beautiful fall weather. 

Last night some church ladies went to the Country Club for ladies night out and we had a really nice time. The food was delicious and then we played Apples to Apples. The game was so much fun and so funny! It was a night that I needed just to get out and enjoy friends. 

I am still feeling pretty good and feeling encouraged as each day comes. There are so many people dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss and it seems like I have been introduced to or met many of them in the past 2 years. It is amazing how The Lord brings certain people into your life at just the right time!

This next week is Clancy's birthday week! He will be 5 on Wednesday and boy will we celebrate him! He is having a little party at daycare and he can't wait! I asked him what kind of party he wanted and he said he wanted a party with his "Veronica Friends." That is his daycare ladies name. I offered to give him a bigger party but he insisted doing it at daycare was all he wanted, so that is what we will do. I have ordered a Superman cake and have all superman things! He will probably not sleep on Tuesday night because he will be so excited! 

I have savored every moment with Clancy this week and am constantly reminding myself of how special he is. Sometimes I think as parents we need alone time, but our children truly are a gift from God and deserve our best. My goal is to be a better listener to him and to play with him more even when it's been a long day. Because he is an only child he probably does need me to listen and play with him because he doesn't have anyone else besides me and Clint. May I embrace this and be the best parent I can be!

Good week so far...

So far this week at school has been so good for me. My students were so excited to have me back, and that always makes a teacher feel good. They did not know I was pregnant, so they do not really know why I was gone, only that I was sick. I could tell they were really concerned though and that is really sweet when you teach 5th graders!

Getting back to work is so good for me because I am surrounded by such positive people. I feel very blessed to work at a school that supports me in this journey and hurts along with me. It sure makes going to work much easier. There are teachers at my school that have been where I'm at and teachers going through similar situations right now. We can visit with each other and it feels so good to not be alone. Being so far from family, it is nice to feel as though I have family at work. On Thursday morning we had to be at the hospital at 7:00 am and it is an hour drive. We had to have something to do with Clancy, so we dropped him off at a teacher friend's house at 5:45 am! What a good feeling to have someone willing to take him and happy to do it.  

Quite a few teachers at my school also go to church with me, including my pastor's wife. That is such a blessing! The day that I knew something was wrong, I was in such a state and walking down the hall to leave school and go to the doctor. I was feeling very alone and as I was walking down the hall, Heidi, my pastor's wife, almost ran into me. She could tell something was wrong and I just began to cry and tell her. She immediately walked with me to the office to get someone for my class and then prayed with me before I left school. I cannot tell you how awesome that was! The Lord definitely had a hand in me running into her before leaving for the doctor. 

Clancy's home daycare provider, Veronica, has also been an amazing blessing! She is like family and loves Clancy like her own. I know that I can call her anytime and she will be there. On Wednesday when we found out about the miscarriage, we were late getting back from the doctor and she told us not to hurry that Clancy was fine with her. What a nice feeling to know that he was happy and being taken care of. I don't ever want to take her for granted! We are truly blessed!

Today I have been reminded of just how blessed we are to have such wonderful people in our lives in Dodge City! 

Clint and I have decided that we are going to meet with a specialists before we attempt to have another child. His sister has been a big help in recommending a doctor. My brother-in-law, her husband, is in medical school residency in Oklahoma City and Kendra is also a nurse practitioner, so their recommendation is certainly one we wanted to consider! We are choosing to go to Oklahoma City to the specialists for a few reasons. The first being that it is only 1 1/2 hours further than Wichita and we have a place to stay with his sister and she will keep Clancy when we go to the doctor. Also, if we end up moving from Dodge City, we hope to move back closer to OKC so having a doctor there just makes more sense. When you live in Western Kansas you just have to accept the fact that if you are going to go to a specialist you will have to travel! We don't go until mid-November, so we have time to process what happened before thinking about it again. 

To those of you who have left kind words on Facebook or in the comments or sent me a sweet text, thank you so much! It truly helps to know that so many people care. I know I will have more tough days, but today was good and for that I am grateful!!

Life goes on...

I am thankful that my parents were here this weekend. I think it was definitely God's timing that they had had this tripped planned for a few weeks and then we ended up needing them. My mom and I had a wonderful time together and even did a little shopping. Having my mom here at this time helped me to focus on other things and sometimes that is good. My Dad spent all of his time with Clancy and boy did they have fun! It was also nice for Clancy to be able to have time with them and not be as affected by these events. We even had a small birthday party for Clancy and CiCi and Poppa gave him their gifts! Even though he is almost 5, he still very much understands that something happened. Kids know way more than we give them credit for! My parents left for home this morning and now life goes on....

This morning it was very difficult to get up and go to church, but I knew that is where I needed to be. I was very emotional and kept telling myself to stop crying! Seriously, just stop crying! However, there were people there to comfort me and I knew that was where I was supposed to be. It was a wonderful service and I was blessed to be there. I know that the people there truly care about me and are hurting along with us. 

Now, it's Sunday afternoon and tomorrow I will go back to work and teach 23 students all day and pretend that everything is ok. Is everything ok, not really. I am hurting deeply and have many questions as to why this happened, but I will go to work tomorrow and do my best! The students I teach deserve to have a teacher that is there and cares about their learning.

I know people will ask me how I'm doing tomorrow and I am normally the kind of person that always says everything is great, however, right now, everything is not great. I am struggling and I think it's ok for me to not pretend everything is great. Am I learning through this process? Is God teaching me new things, yes! But that doesn't make it any easier and that doesn't mean that everything has to be great. Sometimes when God teaches us things it is painful and that is definitely where I'm at. I refuse to accept that this just happened and God doesn't have a greater plan. I believe with all my heart that something good will come from all of this! I just have to be patient to see what that is. Thank you all for your prayers as Clint and I both deal with the pain this has caused. 

One thing I have learned since all of this began is just how thankful I should be for Clancy's life!  I didn't know it at the time, but he truly is my little miracle child and we love him more now than we ever thought possible!

The day after...

As I lay here in bed contemplating all that has taken place since Wednesday at noon, it blows my mind. I mean, this time last week I was feeling really good about the pregnancy and then BOOM! it's over! Such an emotional roller coaster. 

I am so thankful for friendship and encouragement in the body of Christ! It helps me to hear from friends and know they are praying for me. It is also nice to know that I am not alone. Going through the process of losing a baby one time, much less three times, can feel lonely. I find myself struggling with anxiety and being scared. This is when I know I need to be on my knees praying for peace. I cannot let the anxiety rule my life. Clint has been my rock and by my side through it all and to be quite honest, our marriage is stronger after going through everything. He is hurting just like me, but of course men deal with things differently that women. Let's just say he won't be blogging anytime soon! Ha!

Sometimes people will tell me that I am strong and that they can't believe how positive I am. To them I say, "when I am weak, He is strong." Through Jesus is the only way I am strong and in turn act positive. I also tend to keep things bottled up inside because it seems as though if I don't talk about it then it will go away. I know that is not good either. I need to grieve and this blog is allowing me a place to do that. 

Another thing that I do to "forget" is to wrap myself up in my job...not necessarily bad, but not really good either. I don't need to forget what happened. I need to allow God to use me through this and reach out to people in similar situations. Am I ready to get back to my classroom, you betcha! I don't think sitting around all day sleeping, being depressed is going to do me any good. I need to let my light shine to whoever I see and sitting at home will not get that done. 

I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks to discuss the next steps. I will be anxious to hear what he has to say.  There have been more tests run and I am fully aware they may show nothing and I will be frustrated, but that doesn't mean we will give up! We will continue to seek God and pray that his will be done in our lives!

Bridget

Our story

Sometimes I wonder where to begin and sometimes I don't really believe everything that has happened in what has turned into our quest for child # 2. It all began about 2 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with child #2. Oh the excitement of a new little one. We told people when I was about 8 weeks, because with Clancy everything went fine, so why wouldn't it go fine again, right? Wrong! My 10 week check-up was excellent and Clint decided to go with me to my second appointment to hear that sweet heartbeat, but it was not found and the ultrasound confirmed our fears, the baby had died a few days earlier. The doctor was emotional telling us, as were we, but hey, everybody (well, a lot of people) have at least 1 miscarriage in their lives, this wouldn't happen again, I was sure of it. Within 4 months we were pregnant again. 

I made my appointment with my doctor earlier this time because I was of course, anxious. Seeing that heartbeat was reassuring and made me relax a little. When it came time for the 14 week appointment I was nervous since that was when we got bad news the time before, but lo' and behold, there was that sweet heartbeat! Yes, this was the time! We were finally making it to the "safe zone". Whatever that is! We went back at 18 weeks to find out the sex of the baby and while the baby did not cooperate, everything looked great! We really wanted to know the sex of the baby so the next week we made an appointment with the 3-D place in Oklahoma City where we went to visit Clint's sister. Everyone (Clint's family) went with us. It was horrible is all I can say. There was no heartbeat and the whole family was there to see it. Off to the ER we went to have our fears confirmed. This was in August of 2012. 

Why oh why was this happening? Seriously, my faith was tested! What was going on? And to top it off I was going to have to go through labor and delivery this time because of how far along I was. Let's just say that that day was the most emotional experience of my life. To top it off we decided to find out the sex of the baby and it was a girl! That just made it even harder! We requested testing be done on the baby and on us so that we could find answers. None were given really. There were some maybe this is what caused it, but nothing definitive. This is the most frustrating thing! You almost want something to be wrong so you can treat it and move on!

Fast forward 11 months, we decided the time had come to try again and I got pregnant in July. Wow! We were excited! Third time is always the charm, right?  I tried to protect myself. I didn't post anything on Facebook or even tell many people. At 12 weeks I decided to tell people at school. It's just hard to contain this information much longer as you do get excited. We also told Clancy. That brings me to yesterday. I just knew something wasn't right because of some things going on. I called Clint and we headed to my wonderful doctor. We were prepared for the worst and we received the worst news. Baby 3 had died in utero as well! Seriously????? I had a D and C this morning and life is just supposed to go on. 

I have so many emotions right now that I can't even explain. I get angry, frustrated, cry, repeat. I do still have a hope though! It's such a weird place to be. Angry and hope don't seem to go together, but I think as humans we have our human side and then that side where God is tugging at our hearts and gives us a hope only he can! Will the next few weeks and months be hard, you bet, but we are not giving up! We will continue to look for answers and try not to think about that little factor called age. Let's face it, we aren't getting any younger! 

The Lord has taught me through all of this, but if I'm completely honest, I'm tired of learning at this point. Maybe I am missing something? I don't know, I just know that I pray that something good comes out of all of this and starting this blog was something that I felt like God laid on my heart so I'm  doing it. Hopefully someone will read this and have a similar experience and know they aren't alone. I'm right there with you! Even though I have a healthy child, it doesn't make my losses any less heartbreaking. Clancy is an amazing child and we count our blessings for him daily!  If you are suffering with pregnancy loss or infertility please don't give up hope, trust that The Lord has a greater plan for you. There are days when I have to remind myself of that as well! My God is big and has big plans. I'm just waiting to see what they are!

Hopefully this blog is a place of healing for me where I can write my thoughts and cope with everything! Writing is extremely therapeutic and seems to bring a peace. I pray one of you found peace reading it!