Our story

Sometimes I wonder where to begin and sometimes I don't really believe everything that has happened in what has turned into our quest for child # 2. It all began about 2 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with child #2. Oh the excitement of a new little one. We told people when I was about 8 weeks, because with Clancy everything went fine, so why wouldn't it go fine again, right? Wrong! My 10 week check-up was excellent and Clint decided to go with me to my second appointment to hear that sweet heartbeat, but it was not found and the ultrasound confirmed our fears, the baby had died a few days earlier. The doctor was emotional telling us, as were we, but hey, everybody (well, a lot of people) have at least 1 miscarriage in their lives, this wouldn't happen again, I was sure of it. Within 4 months we were pregnant again. 

I made my appointment with my doctor earlier this time because I was of course, anxious. Seeing that heartbeat was reassuring and made me relax a little. When it came time for the 14 week appointment I was nervous since that was when we got bad news the time before, but lo' and behold, there was that sweet heartbeat! Yes, this was the time! We were finally making it to the "safe zone". Whatever that is! We went back at 18 weeks to find out the sex of the baby and while the baby did not cooperate, everything looked great! We really wanted to know the sex of the baby so the next week we made an appointment with the 3-D place in Oklahoma City where we went to visit Clint's sister. Everyone (Clint's family) went with us. It was horrible is all I can say. There was no heartbeat and the whole family was there to see it. Off to the ER we went to have our fears confirmed. This was in August of 2012. 

Why oh why was this happening? Seriously, my faith was tested! What was going on? And to top it off I was going to have to go through labor and delivery this time because of how far along I was. Let's just say that that day was the most emotional experience of my life. To top it off we decided to find out the sex of the baby and it was a girl! That just made it even harder! We requested testing be done on the baby and on us so that we could find answers. None were given really. There were some maybe this is what caused it, but nothing definitive. This is the most frustrating thing! You almost want something to be wrong so you can treat it and move on!

Fast forward 11 months, we decided the time had come to try again and I got pregnant in July. Wow! We were excited! Third time is always the charm, right?  I tried to protect myself. I didn't post anything on Facebook or even tell many people. At 12 weeks I decided to tell people at school. It's just hard to contain this information much longer as you do get excited. We also told Clancy. That brings me to yesterday. I just knew something wasn't right because of some things going on. I called Clint and we headed to my wonderful doctor. We were prepared for the worst and we received the worst news. Baby 3 had died in utero as well! Seriously????? I had a D and C this morning and life is just supposed to go on. 

I have so many emotions right now that I can't even explain. I get angry, frustrated, cry, repeat. I do still have a hope though! It's such a weird place to be. Angry and hope don't seem to go together, but I think as humans we have our human side and then that side where God is tugging at our hearts and gives us a hope only he can! Will the next few weeks and months be hard, you bet, but we are not giving up! We will continue to look for answers and try not to think about that little factor called age. Let's face it, we aren't getting any younger! 

The Lord has taught me through all of this, but if I'm completely honest, I'm tired of learning at this point. Maybe I am missing something? I don't know, I just know that I pray that something good comes out of all of this and starting this blog was something that I felt like God laid on my heart so I'm  doing it. Hopefully someone will read this and have a similar experience and know they aren't alone. I'm right there with you! Even though I have a healthy child, it doesn't make my losses any less heartbreaking. Clancy is an amazing child and we count our blessings for him daily!  If you are suffering with pregnancy loss or infertility please don't give up hope, trust that The Lord has a greater plan for you. There are days when I have to remind myself of that as well! My God is big and has big plans. I'm just waiting to see what they are!

Hopefully this blog is a place of healing for me where I can write my thoughts and cope with everything! Writing is extremely therapeutic and seems to bring a peace. I pray one of you found peace reading it!